#7 & 8 Grace Like Rain
11:00 PM
Well third time is a charm in trying to post this, that will teach me to save what I write! And I need to combine these, because I feel it's the highest high and lowest low, and one doesn't feel right without the other.
Thursday was normal in any other sense, and there is no real telling why it ended the way it did. I went to work like normal. Participated and did my work like normal. There was the abnormal retirement party for Mrs. Fan, and I kind of wonder, in light of hearing the kind of woman I know Mrs. Fan to be, if my self worth and reflection of my own life seemed to dimenish in comparison. Now reflecting, Mrs. Fan has had many years to become the Proverbs 31 lady she is. God has cultivated and molded her into the woman she is today through many ups and downs, good times and bad. I am slowly learning my identity lies of course in our Heavenly Father, but sometimes when you feel unworthy, it's hard to believe the worth Christ gives.
After resolving an issue with a WMU lady, and I felt I handled very well, the overshadowing disapproval of my work from another coworker loomed. I can handle criticism, but there are days and times where it builds up, where words are expressed unrelentingly, and no good comes from it on either side. Nothing is to be resolved, or can be when a coworker does not want to give proper critical suggestions, but only negative criticism.
So as the work day ended, and I climbed in my Jeep, I began to sob.
And the thing is, he didn't, but he did sign up for this. He loves all of me, and just as Christ loves me, here he had put a shining example of that kind of love in front of me. Reluctantly I went with Stephen to Unleashed, and well, God knows what He's doing. I needed to be there.
We began with our small groups of prayer, and my inability to handle certain people, to not allow them to dominate conversation, was blaring in like the full force of the sun. Of course, leaving me feeling helpless, and once again not equipped. But as we walked into worship late, the words from this Passion song were up on the screen.
Thursday was normal in any other sense, and there is no real telling why it ended the way it did. I went to work like normal. Participated and did my work like normal. There was the abnormal retirement party for Mrs. Fan, and I kind of wonder, in light of hearing the kind of woman I know Mrs. Fan to be, if my self worth and reflection of my own life seemed to dimenish in comparison. Now reflecting, Mrs. Fan has had many years to become the Proverbs 31 lady she is. God has cultivated and molded her into the woman she is today through many ups and downs, good times and bad. I am slowly learning my identity lies of course in our Heavenly Father, but sometimes when you feel unworthy, it's hard to believe the worth Christ gives.
After resolving an issue with a WMU lady, and I felt I handled very well, the overshadowing disapproval of my work from another coworker loomed. I can handle criticism, but there are days and times where it builds up, where words are expressed unrelentingly, and no good comes from it on either side. Nothing is to be resolved, or can be when a coworker does not want to give proper critical suggestions, but only negative criticism.
So as the work day ended, and I climbed in my Jeep, I began to sob.
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What am I doing here? Who have I become? What kind of person am I to be? Do I do a good job? Is this the place I'm to be? Do I demonstrate a Godly life, love, and compassion to others? Am I a good friend? All these doubts and questions I've battled for some time came crashing in.
I pulled in the driveway to find Stephen home, and it took me the better part of an hour to even express what was going on, and all I could do between every couple of words was cry.
Here I am, feeling unworthy of Christ's love, doubting why He could love me, and here is the man I adore, and I can't help but think the same. Why and how could he love this mess? Crazy, sobbing, unreasonable mess? Did he sign up to console this woman who barely believes in herself? Did he sign up to have to be her confidence and voice of reason?
And the thing is, he didn't, but he did sign up for this. He loves all of me, and just as Christ loves me, here he had put a shining example of that kind of love in front of me. Reluctantly I went with Stephen to Unleashed, and well, God knows what He's doing. I needed to be there.
We began with our small groups of prayer, and my inability to handle certain people, to not allow them to dominate conversation, was blaring in like the full force of the sun. Of course, leaving me feeling helpless, and once again not equipped. But as we walked into worship late, the words from this Passion song were up on the screen.
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| This song gets me now, every time. |
I am not my inabilities, I am loved by God, and that's who I am. He is ever faithful, and that includes me. And my strength is most clearly not my own, but His. As the night continued, I had many conversations that I believe to be building foundation for more. Amber approached me, and wanted me to disciple her, and her seeing how inadequately equipped I was earlier, it's only a God thing that occurred. Then later, Stephanie asked to talk with me, unleashing some of her burdens. And I still feel unequipped, but as long as I stop relying on me, and rely on God all the more, this thing called life is just an act of obedience, not always something I have to figure out every step of.
Not coming home until about 1 am, I immediately went to bed. I woke up on my Friday off, and opened God's Word to not only confirm the good work of WMU in my devotional, but a reminder of God's concern for me. He sees me, knows me, loves me, and cares for me. I am not forgotten, my pain and cries not unheard. He is a good, good Father for sure.
I spent the rest of the day with my parents at lunch and at their home. Sharing stories of life as it is now, and dogs. I whisked away later to Books-a-Million while on the way home to buy a coloring book, but instead of home, met up with Kevin, Kat and Stephen for Firehouse subs.
Stephen and I came home, I colored and he played video games.
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| You can't see it, but this book is filled with scripture. |
Late at night we ran out to Garners Ferry to Hotwheels hunt, pick up essentials, and get out of the house. We enjoyed a late night snack at Krispy Kreme with more conversation, laughs, and milk to make the ending of a good day, a great day.
Praise God for his many blessings, and timely reassurance!
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