We've been discussing in our Experiencing God study about hearing God's voice and joining Him in the work He's already doing. While our discussion has allowed for me to see that hearing God's voice is not nearly as intimidating as I sometimes make it out to be (do I see God at work now, what do I discover when I pray to Him, where do I feel the Holy Spirit leading or prompting me, what do other believers say, what is the Bible telling me or reconfirming in me, and what do my circumstances show me), sometimes I still feel lost as to what the answer is.

So tonight I mentioned to Stephen we would probably only have two girls again for tomorrow's Table Gathering. Not bad, it's intended for a small group of women, but still small. Unfortunately Tuesday's is just not the best night for everyone. Essentially it's the best night for me.

I felt selfish at first, but my heart keeps coming back to I can't make this work for me to lead/facilitate unless it is on a Tuesday. I can't commit to having 4 nights of my week away from Stephen and home, knowing that the other 3 days of the week quickly fill up with friends, family and other activities. So my 3 days a week isn't really 3 days a week. My introvert self needs that rest, needs that time alone, needs that time to recharge, and with 4 days a week occupied my heart is uneasy.

Also, not to mention I don't see myself as a leader or a facilitator. If someone else is up to the task, I'd gladly let them step in. At times I find myself in spots to lead, and I'm okay or semi comfortable with it. I know there are times where God is going to ask me to stretch myself, and I eventually come around. While I've enjoyed these nights, I feel uneasy the whole time. I stress the day before, the day of, and sometimes afterwards. It ends up consuming days of my life.

But then I come back to, am I letting God lead? Is this God's desire? Am I the person He has given this task, or am I simply a filler until that person gets here? Do I need to be doing things out of obligation, or do I truly feel God has called me to this?

I'm not sure. I know our girls need a place they feel comfortable and safe to share with others. I know they need a spot that's not a distraction, but truly encourages openness and community. I think I've felt their need for that, and I wanted to be able to start creating that place for them. Is that enough though?


Feeling a bit lost. Just going to stay in it until I get a clear indication from God to move on.