#319--Camber's Arrival

How did time fly by so quickly?!?! This girl is 4 months today!!

4 months today *sobs*

The beginning of the beginning... 

If you've given birth, you will know that doing so is one of the most momentous moments of your life. Not only because you bring in one of the biggest blessings you'll ever experience, but also because it is slightly traumatizing and a whirlwind of a moment! 

So it all began at 12:45am, Saturday, December 16, 2017. Stephen and I had just walked back in the door after dropping off a friend at her home after a girls' night at my house. 

Stephen said something funny. I laughed. Yep, I laughed and there she was. 

No. I wish. 

I laughed, and there my water broke. Just a little at first. So little in fact I just thought I'd peed myself--which had not happened up until this point, even being pregnant. Just putting that disclaimer out there. I do not frequently urinate myself. But it was just a little, so I told Stephen with a puzzled look on my face, "I'm not sure what that was. I may have just peed myself. I'm going to go check." I got to the bathroom, and I still wasn't convinced one way or the other. 

So I came back downstairs, and it happened again. Except this time it didn't stop.

I stood in the middle of the den, legs spread, towel underneath me for like 10 minutes waiting for the water to stop flowing. Everytime I moved, more came out. Everytime I stayed still, it would stop. It was awkward. Not gonna lie. Pregnancy and giving birth removes any dignity you might have. Just fyi. 

I eventually grabbed a kitchen chair to sit in, don't want to ruin the upholstered furniture, and waited to see what else might happen. About 20 minutes after my water broke, I had my first contraction. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't terrible. Took a little breath away, but when it was done I am pretty sure I told Stephen, "I think that might have been a contraction." 

Soon after that I figured out it was only the beginning, they would get worse. 

Labor

Stephen stayed up with me for a little bit, but apparently I eventually told him he might want to get some shut eye upstairs since it was probably going to be a long night. 

I say apparently because I do not recall telling him this. Pretty sure I wanted him by my side the entire time. Especially once the contractions got worse, I totally get the whole "You did this to me!" cliche labor scene on TV and movies. I was wondering how he was sleeping through my groaning, because it was some pretty loud groaning.

Honestly about 50% of the contractions weren't awful. I could have probably talked through some of them, and while they hurt I could manage. 

The other 50% about broke me. 

It's hard to look back and think that it was as bad as it was, because memories fade quickly. Very quickly. I just know that at times I could feel the contraction coming on, I could tell it was going to be worse, and I would find myself jumping from a sitting position to quickly pacing around the room attempting to "run away" from the pain. No lie. I wanted to hop out of my skin. 

Worse of all, when those particular contractions would start, I would know they would be the rough ones. Not only were they the rough ones, but they would also last the longest. My other contractions would last 1.5-2 minutes, these could last from 3-5 minutes. Yes. Yes. That apparently is a thing, at least for me. 

Also one of the sad moments in this contraction business was realizing that when they say to wait until they are 5-7 minutes apart before going to the hospital, that 5-7 minutes is from start of one contraction to the start of the other. Not from the end of one to the start of the next. Which means that my little "break" in between on some of these would only be 1-3 minutes depending on how long the actual contraction before had lasted. Not cool. 

At about 6 am, Stephen came downstairs to check on me for the second time. I told him they were starting to get a little more regular and the window of time was getting closer for us to go to the hospital. Stephen contacted my mom, and she pretty much told us to get to the hospital. So at about 7 am we left our house, me in pajamas with a towel underneath me (because I was still leaking part of my water). 

At the Hospital

We pulled up to the ER, Stephen grabbed me a wheelchair, and rolled me in. One of the volunteers passed me a form to start filling out while Stephen parked the car. Mind you, they want you to fill out a form while you are experiencing contractions. I don't feel that this man completely understood the situation (he's a dude, right?), because he didn't seem to understand why I was pausing while writing at times. But by the time I finished the form, Stephen had made his way back in and they wheeled us very quickly from the waiting room to one of the assessment rooms.

The nurse asked me if I was in labor. I told her I was. Very doubtingly she asked me if my water had broken. I explained that I thought so--I mean I had no idea why it was just trickling out like it was, so maybe it wasn't the real thing? After I changed into different clothing and gave her a pee sample, she checked my cervix.

8 cm dilated. 

"Oh, yeah! You are in labor. Not sure we need to wait for that pee test result." 

Quickly they rolled me down the hall to a labor and delivery room. It was huge. I mean like super huge. Weirdly huge. I think you could possibly have multiple women in there, which would be odd.

Anyways, they began hooking me up to IVs. I told them about the Strep B and that I would need antibiotics for it. They quickly informed me then we better get them in quick because it takes 4 hours to get it all in your system before baby comes--excuse me?! The first shocker was that they thought baby be here in less than 4 hours! Second, I would have come in sooner if I had known that. I knew I need the antibiotic, but no one told me I needed it at least 4 hours beforehand. Lesson learned.

 The nursed asked if I wanted an epidural. Up until this point I'd assumed I'd say that with a big fat "YES!", but after hearing I was 8 cm already I felt empowered somehow. Like maybe I want to do this all na-tur-ral. I asked the nurse if I should take it, which she informed me that it takes 30 min to prep me to get it, so might as well start the prep and then I can decide. Sweet 30 more minutes to decide.

But very quickly, maybe 3 or 4 contractions and 20 minutes, the nurse checked me again and I was 10 cm dilated. It was go-time. Doctor had yet to arrive, but the nurse told me to lift my legs, Stephen to hold one while she held the other and to push.

All I could think was "Oh crap. How bad is this going to be?"

But after two pushes, the nurse didn't feel like something was right.

 She felt around, asked for an ultrasound, and pretty soon told me baby was breech and we were going to have to do a c-section. Trust me the next few minutes were a pretty big blur. A c-section was not on my radar as a possibility, and especially when I'd asked the doctors multiple times about Camber's positioning, and up until that day they'd all decided she was in the correct position. I was speechless. Shocked. And I quickly began to tear up and cry.

The C-Section

Just as quickly as they had told me I was going to have a c-section, they were wheeling me down the hall.

Funny side note. My parents were on their way to the hospital, but figured it'd still be a while. So they stopped to pick up breakfast for themselves and Stephen. Stephen called to let them know we were pushing, and so they boogied on over. Right as they completed the ultrasound, my dad turned the corner around the curtain and BAM! I was there all open for the world to see. Yep. Just creating memorable times with my dad.

So I said goodbye, that I loved them, and we'd see them with a grandbaby soon as they rolled me down the hall to the OR. They prepped me for surgery, got Stephen clothed in the hallway (I had no idea where he was at this point), and soon I began to feel the spinal tap kick in because my contractions slowly disappeared. Soon Stephen was in the room with me holding my cold shaking hand (yay fluids), and the staff wrapped me in a blanket to stay warm.

As we waited for everything to be ready for surgery, I asked the nurse how they would know if everything was numb enough before they started. He told me, "We pinch you really hard. We'll know then. Plus they've already started." I couldn't see past the curtain, so I looked up at the surgical light they were using, and sure enough I could see a very deep pink reflection of something glaring back at me. So glad it was a blurry image.

The nurse talked me through a lot of what was going on. Why I was cold. What they were doing. How close we were. And at 9:10am, as soon as I heard that little girl's cry, I cried. They pulled the curtain down some, and showed us our beautiful little girl! Man was she pretty. So much hair! I knew that heartburn wasn't in vain! It also felt so surreal.

Our New Life

Unfortunately Camber hadn't expelled enough of the fluids in her lungs, c-section problems, after she was born, so they had to wheel her away as soon as I saw her.

There wasn't that perfect moment I'd hoped for. The one where they lift her from below the curtain draped across my knees, umbilical cord still in tact, and lay her on my chest so I can hold her for the next hour, just the two of us. Instead, I could see her here and there as they tried to get the fluids out of her system at a nearby sink and table.

After about 5 minutes they brought her to me to see her closer. Stephen held her next to my face, as I was still hooked up to multiple things and couldn't hold her. I kissed her sweet face, and they took her away to finish taking care of her. Not the perfect moment, but perfect enough because this was THE moment.

About 30min to an hour later, they had already rolled me into a recovery room, they finally brought her to me for a little bit to let me try and nurse her. We laid her on my bare chest, and eventually we got to try BF out.

That's a weird sensation. Ain't gonna lie, it's taken a while for me to enjoy BF. But with a little coaxing she did nurse some. Again, they came and got her to take to the nursery within about 20 minutes.

Every time she left, Stephen left. He never let her out of his sight. I was flooded with photos later on of Stephen carefully watching her any moment he had. Anytime they moved her in the nursery, he moved windows just to be closer. He was there hands on anytime they let him. That's a good daddy there.

They rolled me to our room that we'd live in for the next couple of days. My mom quickly joined me. The spinal tap was finally wearing off, but as a result of it my face was itching like crazy. They offered me a Benadryl which I took, because it was driving me nuts. Next thing I know I am fighting with all I am to try and stay awake. Normally it does nothing to me, that day it did. I remember trying to talk to Chad and Philip feeling like I could barely formulate words. So drunk happy.

I fought the sleepiness as long as I could, and I think eventually I took a small nap. Next thing I know I'm surrounded by Stephen, and they finally brought me my girl.

The next few days were a beautiful blur. The happiest days of my life for sure. Compares to the same feeling I had during Stephen and mine's honeymoon. Just bliss. Nothing could touch us or our happiness. I remember thinking if I could just stay in that room all my life, I'd have all I need.


A post shared by Brittany Prahl (@diednsaved) on

#318 Breastfeeding

I know, I know. I haven't even officially introduced you to our little girl or how she came into this world. So we'll get a basic introductions out of the way, and then do something more formal down the road.

Meet Camber Blake Prahl...



She's seriously the best thing since her daddy. It's hard not to talk about her in depth, but that will come soon!

But back to the topic at hand.

Breastfeeding.

People say it is tough. You figure you'll be the exception. You won't. I promise.

You may not have the same problem as me or as my mom did or as my sister in laws have had, but you'll face your own set of difficulties if you decide that breastfeeding will be how you keep this little tiny human alive.

So I'm telling you now, everyone is right--it's tough stuff to breastfeed.

 Even with that said, it'll be worth it. It may not feel it in the moment, but there are so many levels of accomplishment and joy that come with trying to make breastfeeding a success for you and your baby. So I'm going to run through what difficulties I've faced, how I've tried to handle them, and in the end why I'm glad we're still doing this thang.

The Rocky Road of Breastfeeding

The first few days after baby is born is the best whirlwind and being thrown to the wolves you'll ever experience. There is such joy that it lifts and carries you through all the rough patches--at least in my experience. Now coming down off that high is a little rough, but thankfully I think any postpartum depression I had was limited to about 2 days; literally just coming down off that high was a weird sensation to navigate through and enough to make me feel a little down for a few days.

So my first experience breastfeeding was about 30 minutes to an hour after Camber was born. She came out through a c-section, and so some of the fluid in her lungs had not been expelled as would normally be during a vaginal birth. So the hospital staff tended to her a little longer than I expected, not really giving us that immediate moment of skin to skin. But eventually they brought her to me, she was laid on my chest, and slowly we found that little girl was trying to wiggle and move her way to eat. It wasn't super easy to get started, since neither of us knew what we were doing, but alas the nurses assisted and Camber was able to start nursing! It was a seriously odd experience and sensation, something I didn't think I'd really enjoy--and it did take a little while to get there.

The next few days in the hospital she would latch relatively easily, but she never opened her mouth wide enough and we constantly fought the struggle of keeping her awake long enough to eat what she needed. And goodness, who knew babies needed to eat so much so frequently!! Waking at all hours of the night to feed her was ridiculously exhausting, but again we were on the high of having a baby for 2 weeks straight, so you don't feel too bothered by it in the moment. That's why you need that high for sure. Kept us sane and living off little to no sleep.

By the time we got home, I felt like we were getting this thing. She was feeding long enough, as long as we kept pestering her to stay awake, and wasn't having any issues latching. I felt some minor pain, but kept thinking it'd eventually pass as soon as we were able to master her latch.


Problem #1--Refusing to Latch

But then day 4 hit--my milk came in. The first few days postpartum you are giving baby colostrum, and slowly your body will know to produce milk. Milk is much more liquidy and not quite as nutrient rich as your colostrum--so you make a lot more of it, meaning your breasts will get full. Very full. Before I'd knew what happened, my boobs were rock solid hard (which I just figured was normal? I mean I've never had boobs that could produce milk so who knows right?). I tried to get Camber to latch, and she refused. She wouldn't, or couldn't suck any longer. 

At first it didn't seem like a big problem, but when she skipped not just one feeding, not just two feedings, but was going on the third feeding of not eating, I had a melt down. I couldn't feed my baby. I didn't know what I was doing wrong or how to fix it. Stephen had been out of the house for a few hours that day, and came home to a crying baby and a crying wife. Poor guy, but he handled the situation with such grace. He called around to as many places as he could to get hold of someone who could give us some answers.

We were told I needed to pump off some of the pressure. Which after that and a hot shower, I did start feeling better. But still no matter what I seemed to do, Camber was not having it.

Fixing the Latch

The biggest thing people are going to tell you about breastfeeding those first few days, is do not give her a bottle because that will cause nipple confusion. Okay. I can see how this can happen. I can see how babies may tend to favor one over the other, and giving the option too early can possibly mean baby will stop trying to nurse. But when your baby won't eat, you need to do what you need to do to get that baby fed. My fear of nipple confusion could have possibly outweighed what was reasonable and sensible for my baby to be alive and healthy. 

But thank goodness for professionals. My biggest suggestion when you begin to have breastfeeding problem is see a lactation consultant. Seriously. It might be a little scary, but the peace of mind and advice they can give you are priceless. You're tired mamma. You're not 100% in the best frame of mind right now. You're hormonal. Let someone take a little bit of the load and give you a road map to take you towards success. 

In the end, the lactation consultant provided me a plan. That's all. Things I probably could have researched and found on my own, but this person knew our specific problems and gave us steps to get where we wanted to be. 

Amazingly it worked. 


We were told to pump and bottle feed--excuse me what?! What about the nipple confusion?--and try to breastfeed recreationally. #1 That meant she got fed, which is really the biggest concern! #2 That meant breastfeeding was no pressure. She didn't have to feed because she was already full, but it also meant she wasn't upset when trying to breastfeed. Eventually over the next week she began feeding at the breast more and more. So we saw the lactation consultant one more time, and she recommended we go 1/2 and 1/2 and eventually transition to completely breastfeeding as we saw that she was steadily gaining weight.

And by about week 3, I believe we were 100% breastfeeding. 

Problem #2--Supply (Over & Under!)

Early on, before my milk regulated itself, my oversupply was a huge problem. Thankfully before Camber and I figured this breastfeeding thing out, I was pumping a lot. I would get 8 to 10 oz each pumping session, which meant I stashed away a lot of milk for when I returned to work. That was the "thank goodness" part.

Well that sounds all great, so what's the problem?

Problem was, my letdown was super heavy because of this! There were times I'd unlatch my nursing bra, and I would spray milk everywhere. Yeah I didn't believe that was possible, but it is. As Camber would drink, she was struggling to keep up and was practically drowning in my milk. Due to this, she gulped a lot more air than normal and we had a very gassy baby! A miserably gassy baby.

I figured oversupply and gassiness would always be a struggle for us, but...

About 11 weeks after little one was born, I returned to work. At first for just a few half days, to ease back into things (which I have come to realize half days would be the ideal working mommy situation),and then finally back full time. It has been tough being away from Camber--goodness she's too cute, and grows too quick! It has also been tough pumping so much.

Surprise, surprise... not nursing, but pumping instead, results in a lower supply!

Our bodies are just meant to be with that little babe and respond to all the goodness they got. So when they want more, they nurse more, and even if your milk isn't there your body now knows to make more!

At work, you're at the mercy of your schedule and what is reasonable to be away from your desk pumping. I have found I produce much less, or at least little one is less happy with a reasonable amount of milk, when I pump and she is bottle fed. I really do feel like a cow these days, just always pumping.

Fixing My Supply

Oversupply, as I mentioned before, can result in a heavy letdown and a gassy baby. The reason baby is so gassy is because they are taking in a lot of foremilk and air, compared to the hindmilk which is the fatty, rich stuff. Block feeding is a great way to help regulate your milk and try to get more of the hindmilk in their system. Essentially you are trying to empty out one boob before you move on to the next one so you can get past all the foremilk they get in the beginning of a nursing session. So that means that you may for a couple of feedings have her feed on the same breast in a row instead of switching. I found my right boob I'd have to feed at least twice on there before I could switch to the otherside. You know you always have that one boob that produces way more than the other--meet my Mrs. Rightside.

This really did help not only with her gassiness, but my milk began to regulate and even out to just about what Camber needed rather than too much. Which now, is a struggle to say it was a good thing, because I feel like I'm struggling to keep my supply up.

Undersupply is such a struggle because now you're wondering, "Can I keep this up? Am I capable of feeding my baby enough? Will I have to supplement?" When you've worked so hard for something, it is tough to realize that it may not be 100% working, and that you may need to consider another route. Pride kicks in.

Although, there are some things you can try and do to help increase your supply. Some things work great for some people, and don't for others. It is really a trial and error process, so don't get discouraged in the hunt.

I have found the following definitely help with me, but some work better than others so I just keep doing them all. Some days it means I see a huge increase, other days it seems to drop back down. I just keep stashing away and pray that it will continue to work:

  1. Increase your water intake--Breastmilk is mainly water, so it is only logical.
  2. Pump frequently--The more you remove milk, the more your body will be signaled to produce.
  3. Empty your breasts--Don't just pump, but pump until empty and then some! I have pumped past the point of empty multiple times now; not only do I think it helps to signal your body for future production, but it has actually resulted in a second letdown multiple times now.
  4. Massage your breasts and reposition your flanges--This will help push/release milk from other areas of your boobs. I always manage to get much more doing this, and I think it also helps with that second letdown.
  5. Pump after nursing--I have found that on my work days, I need to pump after she nurses in the morning, right before I leave for work, as well as at night time after she has gone to bed (great time to power pump). I manage to get 2-8 more ounces between those two extra pumps in a given day, and of course removing that milk helps to stimulate production!
  6. Supplements--I have found that drinking Mother's Milk Tea multiple times a day, as well as taking Fenugreek help boost my supply just enough to notice it, which totally makes it worth it to me! 
  7. Gatorade--Not 100% sure if this one really is working, or again if it's a combination of a lot of things, but apparently blue Gatorade helps with lactation. It may just mean you're taking in more fluids and also adding some electrolytes.
I am curious about starting to take some of the other supplements out there I've seen, so if my supply takes another hit that may be the route to try next. 

I was producing about 10-12 oz a day, but making all those changes I can pump more around 15-18 oz a day. Pumping is tough work, but it brings me joy knowing I can do this for Camber and give her the stuff she needs. Plus it is free! It's a small price to pay for those two things alone.

Problem #3--Bottle vs. Breast

At about 14 weeks old, we had another little set back. I returned to work right around when Camber turned 11 weeks old. So for the past 3 weeks she had been taking a lot more bottles than normal. Early on we had to use the bottles because of the latching issue, and occasionally I would give her a bottle because I wasn't confident or comfortable nursing in public, even with a cover. She handled going back and forth like a champ, and never seemed to prefer one over the other.

We started paced feeding as soon as she began taking a bottle--which if you are BF that is definitely the way to go when or if you do give baby a bottle. But paced feeding can be tedious, and honestly I am not 100% my parents were sold on why we needed to do it versus just giving her a bottle straight. As their primary caretakers during the working week, it is pretty crucial they continue this practice so that we can easily transition between the two. Honestly even I had gotten lazy about paced feeding when I did give her a bottle because she seemed to go between the two so easily.

But randomly one Saturday morning, she just refused to latch. Every time I put her in the position to start nursing, she would scream. It concerned me most because it wasn't that she tried to latch and couldn't get anything, she just completely wouldn't even try!

So that day she got a bottle. I kept trying, but would find that if she did latch, eventually she would get fed up and start the screaming all over again.

Fixing the Preference

Quickly I realized she had no patience for BF, that she wanted the immediate gratification of the bottle. So we worked over the weekend and the past few weeks to change her preference.

First, you might ask why it was such a big deal for me to try to get her back to BF instead of just becoming an exclusive pumper or going to formula. So here are my reasons why we prefer BF over anything else...

  1. It's free. 
  2. It's good for her. 
  3. I surprisingly enjoy the bond it gives us. I'd miss it.
  4. I can satisfy her BF, but my output pumping is much less than what she takes at the bottle--meaning eventually I'd have to supplement.
  5. Seriously hate having to pump. It's tiring. Time consuming. Boring. Bleh. But I do it for her! 
So the very first thing we did was to properly do paced feeding with her. I reemphasized to my mom the importance of paced feeding, and both Stephen and I brushed up on our skills and made sure we were making her work extra hard for it. 

I then bought some premie sized nipples for our Dr. Brown's bottles. We'd been on size 1, and I thought that was as low as the flow went, but of course went on their website and saw they carry a size 0/premie that they actually recommend for EBF babies. Again, it just makes the flow much slower so that they have to work to get the milk, just like they would while BF. 

Anytime I could BF Camber, I did. I made myself get comfortable with BF in front of others, because it was vital to my child's well being. Thankfully they make covers, because beyond that is DEFINITELY outside of my comfort level. This past weekend I even BF while walking, and it worked! BF anytime we were together definitely helped establish that BF relationship we have and keep her familiar with BF. 

Anytime I can now, I try to feed her just before she really gets hungry or overly tired. I realized that weekend very quickly that if she was either of those two things, her patience was next to none and we'd have no success at her actually trying to BF. This is why when I even laid her the BF position she would get upset. 

Since doing these things, she has not had a completely melt down like she did that one day. It also has helped me to know what things I can do to fix the issue if it does arise again--keeps me from getting too stressed out! 


In the end, I hope you know that you're not alone in whatever struggle you may be facing with breastfeeding. Your problems may not look like mine, but know that you can find answers to help you reach your goals (I'm still not 100% what mine are yet, that may be another entry). If you're not able to find an answer on your own, I strongly suggest seeing a lactation consultant. Having their expertise and confidence that you can still do this is HUGE and much needed when you're in the thick of it. You got this mamma.

#317 An Update on This Journey

Tuesday 2017 October 16
I've kind of avoided this place. You know it becomes a shameful venture when you realize you gave up on the goals you set for yourself--to keep talking about one good thing a day. And while sometimes thinking of this little corner of the web-sphere haunts me, I go back occasionally just to remember the little days that slip by so quickly never to be remembered again. So even if it's not every day, I need to remember some days. Especially these days.

Yesterday, the blog that started it all posted some news that seems very similar to our own news a few months ago. Funny enough I think we are almost exactly due at the same time. While she found out about 4 weeks after I did, we both announced to family and friends on the same day--Mother's Day.

Our little girl: Camber Blake Prahl

So now here I am 29 weeks with this little life inside of me, about 2.5 more months to go, and some days I'm beyond excited and other days I'm beyond nervous. I don't know that I ever knew what to expect, but I think I had some preconceived notions. It's interesting now to see how pregnancy and the beginning stages of motherhood have been in comparison to what I once thought it'd be. So I think I want to list just random thoughts so far. The expected, the unexpected, etc.


  1. I thought I'd be ready for this one day. I am 29 years old. Younger me would probably freak out that I'm almost 30 with no children. And while 29 seems old, especially in comparison to so many in our ministry at church, it also seems so young. I think I thought I'd just know one day that I was ready, but that day never came. Months ago Stephen and I decided if it happened, we'd be excited. So we never pushed or "tried" for a baby, but month after month when my period came I found that I was getting a ping of disappointment. I still wasn't ready to be a mom, but I also wasn't ready to never be a mom.
  2. I thought I'd have room in my life for this little one. I think with being ready for a baby, there comes this element of thinking that I'd have extra time, space, energy, etc for a little one and that's how I'd know we were ready. Life gets busier and busier unfortunately. I blink my eyes and a week passes, I realize I've not washed my hair, done laundry, or even grocery shopped at all in those 7 days. So I am supposed to be ready to care for me but another human too? 
  3. I thought I'd be creative and pop the news to Stephen in a really cute way. That did not happen. After like two pregnancy tests of uncertainty, finally taking the test that read "pregnant" I just couldn't speak. I walked out of the bathroom and into the den, and just showed him the pregnancy test. Even 3 days later I took another test, because we just weren't convinced it was real.
  4. I thought I'd feel super connected to this baby right away, and feel 100% pregnant throughout the entire pregnancy. Yeah no. About 2 weeks ago did I finally start looking pregnant (which was a shocker to me that it took so long). About 4 weeks ago did I finally start feeling movement. For a long time the only sign I was pregnant was that I was tired and nauseous. The ultrasounds felt like watching a video of someone else's kid, because that could not be inside of me! I've had some days where I sit in her soon to be nursery and just think and pray of all the things she'll be when she gets here, and there are other days I'm in complete denial any of this is happening.
  5. This pregnancy has oddly not been overly mushy gushy. I am kind of happy that I've been able to be real about this pregnancy. I've not been all heart eyes and baby crazy throughout the pregnancy. Instead, people ask how I feel, I tell them I feel like crap. When people ask am I ready, I tell them I'm freaking out a little. Because to me, I know I'm going to so enjoy this next stage, but right now in this one, the idea of giving up the life I know is daunting. I also feel like not being overly mushy gushy has allowed me to stay connected to my friends who aren't pregnant. I've not sugar coated anything,and they can laugh at me or with me when things get weird or silly. I do have a feeling once that child is here though, I'm going to be the annoying mom posting 100 pictures and gushing over every little accomplishment this child makes. I mean I do that for my dogs.
  6. Although, at times I've felt the overwhelming burden of the love for this child. I know this love will increase like 1000x because right now it feels more like just being protective than love, but I have had a couple of near meltdowns if not full meltdowns about the well being of this child. About a week after I found out I was pregnant, I got sick. Like body chills, super high temperature sick. I started sobbing that night because all I could think about was how little this peanut was at the time,and my raised body temperature might hurt it. Since then everything has been pretty smooth sailing, except a few days ago I had no movement from her for like a day and a half. I didn't worry for the first day, but when the movement still didn't come that next morning I began panicking. Thankfully she's started moving again, just in a whole different way--I think she's on the move! 
  7. It's strange to me, to think of my parents like I do Stephen and I. As you grow up, you realize your parents are completely different than you once thought they were. They no longer are the super heroes your mind made them to be as a kid (although I beyond cherish them in a new way). You realize they are human and sometimes had to make decisions they didn't really know the answer to--but you just never doubted they had all the answers at the time. You figure their life started when you came into the world, but now realize you were just a happy addition to their already great life. Where I once figured I was the center of their world, I realize I wasn't. I realize this little girl won't be the center of ours, but she'll be a huge part of it. One day, she'll feel the same way about us as I did my parents and as I now feel about my parents.
  8. I can't think of this child beyond infancy. I try to imagine sometimes what she'll be like. What kind of quirks and personality traits she will have, but it terrifies me to think of her growing up already. To think of all those life stages we'll have to jump through with her, because I feel like it'll make me more old or more of a parent, but also because if I think about it now I feel like time is already passing by too quickly. I mean I felt like December was forever away, and how fun fall was going to be pregnant--but we're already halfway through October and in 11 weeks she'll be here! Ahh!! 
  9. Being pregnant is not really that great, but there are some fun parts. I think I thought I'd love being pregnant. It's not been bad. Once the nausea subsided, I felt human again and the second trimester really did feel like a honeymoon. But I didn't look pregnant still, so I almost didn't feel pregnant at all. Now that I have a belly, I kind of enjoy that part--although going to bed with my husband and being intimate do not feel sexy. I thought I would feel empowered by this life I'm growing, and feel so confident and sexy to him--no. While he does all the right things, says all the right things,and definitely still finds me attractive--I feel like a whale. I do enjoy having people ask about the pregnancy (although the same questions over and over get tiring), and while I'm not disabled, I do find it hilarious how much people bend over backwards to make sure I'm not lifting things, etc. I also have a standard excuse to get out of anything--I'm pregnant. 
  10. I am still terrified of giving birth. I've just avoided preparing for giving birth this entire pregnancy. I know soon I'll have to go to some sort of class at the hospital to attempt to be prepared, but the thought of the pain and pushing this child into this world give me the chills. Either way, I know it'll go fast, so there is no need to worry about it too much in the meantime right? 
  11. I really hope this child is ready to do life alongside us. I think one of the best pieces of advice I've been given (although obviously yet to put into practice) is to not adjust your life for this child, let your child adjust their life to you. I think in this culture of catering to your child's every whim and desire, as well as trying to be a friend over a parent, parents lives somehow get lost in their child's life. I don't want to look at the end of 18 years and realize I no longer know the man I married. I chose Stephen for life, while this baby will just grace us with her presence for 18 years or so. So I hope she's ready to just live life with us. Going on trips. Working on cars. Investing in others. Serving in ministry. Loving Jesus. 
  12. I know one day it'll feel short, but 18 years seems like such a commitment. It still freaks me out to think we made a decision that will not only guarantee 18 years of my life to change, but the rest of it to change. Sometimes I feel proud enough in myself to think that we chose to adopt dogs knowing that we'd have to care for them for like 10-15 years. 
  13. Some parts of pregnancy are not pleasant. I have started finding dried crusty stuff on my boobs, I am leaking what I assume is pee, and the stretch marks have started to show up on my belly. It is also really cool, yet very freaky to have these sensations in my stomach that are kicks and pushes. I feel like I just get really excited about twitches--like there's really not a person in there. 
I know there will be more.. I'll add them later.

#316 Pregnancy and My Hubby

Tuesday 2017 July 26
I've not felt much up to writing lately. I've been nauseous for about 2 months straight, but I'm finally finding relief most days. Now I'm just dealing with feeling overly full, because my appetite is still pretty low in comparison to normal me.

But I'm human again. For that I am thankful.

I've noticed lately, that I feel like I've fallen in love with my husband all over again. He's stretched himself in ways for me the past two months I wouldn't have expected, and he does it with such a selfless heart. He's been my provider and comfort far more than he probably knows.


I know I'm stretching into the mushy gushy. Sorry. I need an outlet.


There are times where I've wondered how I got so lucky with him. I know he's not perfect for every woman out there, but he is beyond perfect for me. I look back at the little time I knew him, how certain I was he was who I was meant to be with, and know that God's hand was in all of it. Stephen far exceeds the expectations of a man I set for myself, and I know that is only a God thing.

Today a friend posted this article about finding "the one". While I know I definitely didn't search my heart probably the way that she did, nor did I dig deep into what the Word says a husband should be, I know that at that point in my life God was working through me in big ways. When I depended on Him, God provided a man that I didn't know was the definition of a husband I needed, but was the obvious choice when put in front of me.

Even when I first met Stephen, he was unlike anyone else I knew. He was funny, fun to be around, outgoing, friendly, non-judgemental, and immediately I knew his heart was one that loved the Lord. It shined through him, and the way that friends spoke about him. He was someone that friends treasured, and I knew in that he was someone I should treasure.

He was the unobtainable. For at least 6 months I remember thinking about him frequently, trying to catch his attention, and stalking his FB page. Hey. It's what we do now. For the next 2 years I kept up with him from afar, trying to interact with him when the opportunity presented itself. All the while I knew that this was a man who deserved a special woman, and I was not sure I fit that definition. Thankfully God began molding me into someone who was worthy of such a man over those two years. Something done outside of my desires for Stephen, but was done by God changing my heart individually.

So when I took a leap of faith two years later to contact Stephen, Stephen reached back quickly. Somehow he'd taken notice of me over those two years, and just like I knew he was someone to be treasured, I think God had placed that same feeling in his heart.

We weren't perfect people. In fact when Stephen made his intentions clear to me, I had to confess some pretty serious things to him about my past. Things I was not proud of. But I knew this was a man worthy to be treasured, and I could not treat him anything less than that. He needed to know who he was agreeing to be with, and praise the Lord God used that to affirm in his heart I was the one (when it easily could have gone the opposite way).


So in reading this article, I read the definition of who Stephen was then and now. The definition I didn't know word by word then. Thank goodness the Holy Spirit moves within in us to affirm these things, even when we don't know the "definition".

He is Worthy
Boaz was described as a worthy man (2:1) who believed in the Lord (2:4).
A modern-day Boaz will:
  • Have a good reputation because he’s proven himself to be a man of character and worth by his actions. Stephen was spoken about highly by many people I knew.
  • He will have a solid relationship with the Lord, which is of great importance for a woman of worth (3:11). Thus, you will be equally yoked in your relationship, with each person growing in their faith, serving the Lord, and evidencing the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Wait and observe how deep his Christianity goes. Does it show only when you are around, or is it full on all the time? Does he pray with you? Read the Bible with you? Attend church with you? Does he read the Bible, obey scripture, pray, and attend church on his own time? Is he respecting you according to God’s standards? Stephen's love for God and the church shined through in our conversations and what I saw him speak about and do on FB.
He is a Protector
Boaz encouraged Ruth to glean in his own field, so that she would be safe among the other women. He also charged the young men of his field not to touch her (2:9).
A modern-day Boaz will:
  • Protect your purity, as well as his own, by respecting boundaries. He knows that sex is a sacred act to be enjoyed only in marriage, and he appreciates your high standards. He never placed pressure on me to compromise our purity before marriage.
  • Guard your heart, by making known his intentions to pursue you when the time is right. You will know where he stands.  He won’t lead you on by just “hanging out” with you for an extended period of time, enjoying the benefits of your company without accepting appropriate responsibility toward you. Within a week of our first date, Stephen made his heart known by sharing he wanted to not only date me, but why and what he was willing to do to make that happen.
He is a Provider
Boaz met Ruth’s needs. He gave her plenty of water to drink (2:9), provided meals for her (2:14), and gave her an abundance of barley to share with Naomi (3:15).
A modern-day Boaz will:
  • Work hard.  He is a mature, responsible man with right priorities. Being a provider is not about making lots of money. It’s about a man meeting the basic needs of his wife and children. He’s disciplined in work and with money. Stephen was always smart with his money, and a hardworker long before me. When we decided to get married though, he very quickly was willing to move to Lexington to allow me to continue to pursue my education at USC. Searched high and low for a job that would allow us to take care of ourselves, and me work part-time.
  • Properly understand a man’s Biblical role as the leader of the household. Under his leadership and banner of protection, you will feel safe and secure as his wife. This is because he has your best interests in mind, serves you sacrificially, and loves you as Christ loved the church. (If he doesn’t read the Bible and attend church regularly he won’t know how to be this man) I never had to doubt that Stephen would lead me spiritually and as a husband in our life together.
He is Observant
Ruth caught Boaz’s eye (2:5), but he also noticed her inward character, good deeds (2:11-12), and kindness (3:10).
A modern-day Boaz will:
  • Find you attractive!  It’s important to have the “spark.” This was there from the first day we met! 
  • Cherish your inner beauty.  It is good for a man to marry a woman with the kind of loveliness that cannot fade.  He appreciates these qualities in you, and will encourage you verbally when he notices you acting with integrity, kindness, and love. Stephen saw beneath the surface of who I was, very quickly. Those were the qualities he latched on to, and why certain things never scared him away.
  • Study you.  He will find out what makes you tick, and seek to understand you more fully over time.  He will notice what you enjoy, and do little things from time-to-time just to make you smile. Even now, Stephen knows exactly the buttons to push to make me laugh or the things to do to make me happy.
He is Compassionate
Boaz had care and concern for others, loving his neighbor as himself. As the owner of a field, Boaz showed generosity and compassion on the less fortunate by following Levitical law (Leviticus 19:9-10).
A modern-day Boaz will:
  • Look for opportunities to bless others. I knew stories of Stephen giving his time and money sacrificially.
  • Serve wholeheartedly He was dedicated to the church and serving in roles he didn't always feel called to, but knew were needed.
  • Give generously, as God prompts him to do so. See above. :)
  • Be kind and loving to the “littlest and least,” not looking down on others in self-righteousness. Stephen has always been a friend to everyone. EVERYONE.
  • Utilize his spiritual gifts to edify the body of believers and honor God. He was a man of God long before he knew me. Nothing was for show, and he didn't deny his gifts to be used for the causes of Christ.
He is a Man of Integrity
Boaz knew that there was a closer relative who had “first dibs” in redeeming Ruth (3:12-13). He took the proper steps (4:1-6) to win her hand in marriage. In fact, he couldn’t even rest until the matter was properly settled (3:18). Boaz also had witnesses (4:9) to confirm that he acted with integrity.
A modern-day Boaz:
  • Does not manipulate, cheat, or lie.  He has nothing to hide.
  • He will not abuse you: call you names or put his hands on you ever!
  • Does what is right, even when it’s hard.
  • Respects the authorities in his life.
  • Continually seeks the wise counsel of a more seasoned Christian man, such as a pastor or mentor, who will come alongside him, ask tough questions, hold him accountable, and encourage him in Christ-likeness. All the above! When Stephen's character has been called into question, God quickly has shined a light on the situation revealing his integrity and character as pure. Even when Stephen has been tempted to do otherwise, the Holy Spirit has convicted him into proper action. Stephen constantly sought the wisdom of his spiritual mentors during our time dating, and following!
Really, really thankful for this man of mine. He is by far the best thing that has happened to me.


#315 Again. Again.

Wednesday 2017 June 7
Well almost a whole month later to the day, and I'm back in here writing. I can barely stay awake past 9 pm anymore, so my days feel short, and the time I have to do things is even shorter. But there is news, and I need to document that stuff.

We found out about 6 weeks ago...

that's the big news I was hinting at
So hence the tiredness. And the nausea.

I am really excited. I'm really terrified too. But I'm really excited for this new chapter in our lives. While so much right now seems like uncertainties, God's been preparing me to get farther and farther out of my comfort zone right?

And while I know it's not the pretty thing to say, can I just say I'm so ready to be done with this first trimester? The nausea is getting more manageable (been struggling for about 3 weeks now), but I just do not feel like me.

Stephen and I ran an errand when I got home last night from work. We ended up going out to eat, which I have no appetite lately, so that's interesting. We enjoyed a quiet evening talking and catching up, which was so needed. As soon as I got home, 30 min later at 9pm I'm dead asleep. I don't wake up again until 12am when I drag Stephen and I off the couch to go upstairs to bed.

Plus I almost ate raw fish (sushi roll) last night, but my caring husband stopped me. I may have wanted to slap him, cause I just wanted the tiny sushi roll, but baby is safe.

In 10 weeks we will find out the gender!! Everyone seems convinced it's going to be a girl, but according to "Ramzi Theory" it'll be a boy. So I guess I'm back on the fence on what I believe this little one will be.

So next year we will be starting a whole new way of life, and while terrified, I can't wait to see what goodness will come from this! 

#314 Life is a Whirlwind

Wednesday 2017 May 10
While I'm obviously behind in posting, I have to say I'm okay with it.
I kept trying to catch up on posts, and found myself struggling to figure out what I did that day because of so much time that had lapsed in between. 

I love having these memories. I love finding something good in the midst of even some bad days. I love being able to express myself in a way that is not entirely natural to me. I mean when it comes to writing, I may be business good, but I am not personal, feeling good like Meghan. Man that girl can write. Or my buddy Jenn, who expresses motherhood and her life in a way that is so raw and real.

So now I sit down about two weeks from the last time I wrote, and life is good. I'm "Glad In It". *Roll Credits*

But really. Life is weirdly different right now. Stephen's new business. Only having one income at the moment. Overwhelming amounts to do at work. A new church plant in the baby stages. Other exciting possibilities (remember? more to come...). Bearing other people's burdens even when it's uncomfortable or difficult. Living life with the most amazing people. Potentially an empty house in the next month. 

It's not always easy to embrace change, at least for me. Although I find myself more and more feeling comforted and challenged by God to keep letting the change occur. To keep pushing myself out of comfort zones because it's worth it when God steps in. 

For the past month or so, there have been two things God has been teaching me over and over again. 

1. Find where God is at work, and join Him in it. 

I'm not sure I've entirely done this 100%, so there is a very clear reason why God keeps flashing this concept in front of my face over and over. I've been disobedient, like getting the inkling to stop and help a lady cover her furniture at her thrift store when rain was looming in the distance. By the time I got over the "that was a weird and strange thought" and got to the "oh I think God may be telling me something--go love on this woman", I turned the car around and went back to the thrift store to find everyone cuddled up inside because the rain was so heavy. Furniture halfway covered up, getting soaked by the downpour. That was a heavy moment. Full of disappointment in my lack of hearing and obeying God. 

But now we are looking at a church plant, and while part of me is like "no that is weird and scary" the other part is "God is at work in this place", and I continue to see the church in this group more than I've seen in a long time in any other group. So join God in that. Meet Him in that place. Be ready to do the work. Be ready to see the harvest that God brings.


2. See God through the filter of the Bible and who I have known Him to be--not my current circumstances.

You know how people always tell you to see your circumstances through "God's filter". I find that super difficult to do. God is infinite. He is greater than I can imagine. He far exceeds any preconceived notions I have of Him. And... 
my thoughts [higher] than your thoughts -- Isaiah 55:9
So how can I see through His filter when I have no clue where to begin. But I know in our circumstances, we tend to let them warp our view of who God is in that moment. When someone loses a loved one, "Where is God in this? How could He let this happen?" God is vengeful, uncaring, unloving, and every other bad name we can throw in there. But is that who God is? Is that who the Bible says He is? Is that who I have known Him to be? No. 

I think of Abraham, he'd been promised a son and to be the father of a nation so huge you couldn't even begin to count. God gave him his son. His promise was being fulfilled. Then God asked for Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. But Abraham had faith, that God had not changed. His promises had not changed. He took his son to the altar, and was prepared to kill his own child because God was still going to be faithful to him. In that moment circumstances would tell us something completely different about God than what was true, but afterwards we can see that God was still God and those circumstances did not change who He was. 



Well here is to new starts again, and back sharing life. 

#313 Outdoor Living and Menchie's

Saturday 2017 April 22
Today is an exciting day, but I'll have to wait a little bit before sharing any details, since this is technically public. Worth the wait I promise.

Spent most of the early day with Stephen getting some poles put up for the stringed lights going around our patio. It looks awesome, but I think we'll end up having to criss cross them across the patio instead of around the perimeter because we have so much extra length that has no home.

This evening I met up with the girls from church go over the Mother's Day baskets. We first enjoyed some awesome frozen yogurt--seriously one of the best yogurt shops around.

These ladies are pretty fun to be around, and love getting to enjoy early summer evening eating ice cream, talking on their outdoor patio, and discussing God. Pretty stellar way to end the day.