I've kind of avoided this place. You know it becomes a shameful venture when you realize you gave up on the goals you set for yourself--to keep talking about one good thing a day. And while sometimes thinking of this little corner of the web-sphere haunts me, I go back occasionally just to remember the little days that slip by so quickly never to be remembered again. So even if it's not every day, I need to remember some days. Especially these days.

Yesterday, the blog that started it all posted some news that seems very similar to our own news a few months ago. Funny enough I think we are almost exactly due at the same time. While she found out about 4 weeks after I did, we both announced to family and friends on the same day--Mother's Day.

Our little girl: Camber Blake Prahl

So now here I am 29 weeks with this little life inside of me, about 2.5 more months to go, and some days I'm beyond excited and other days I'm beyond nervous. I don't know that I ever knew what to expect, but I think I had some preconceived notions. It's interesting now to see how pregnancy and the beginning stages of motherhood have been in comparison to what I once thought it'd be. So I think I want to list just random thoughts so far. The expected, the unexpected, etc.

1. I thought I'd be ready for this one day. I am 29 years old. Younger me would probably freak out that I'm almost 30 with no children. And while 29 seems old, especially in comparison to so many in our ministry at church, it also seems so young. I think I thought I'd just know one day that I was ready, but that day never came. Months ago Stephen and I decided if it happened, we'd be excited. So we never pushed or "tried" for a baby, but month after month when my period came I found that I was getting a ping of disappointment. I still wasn't ready to be a mom, but I also wasn't ready to never be a mom.
2. I thought I'd have room in my life for this little one. I think with being ready for a baby, there comes this element of thinking that I'd have extra time, space, energy, etc for a little one and that's how I'd know we were ready. Life gets busier and busier unfortunately. I blink my eyes and a week passes, I realize I've not washed my hair, done laundry, or even grocery shopped at all in those 7 days. So I am supposed to be ready to care for me but another human too? 
3. I thought I'd be creative and pop the news to Stephen in a really cute way. That did not happen. After like two pregnancy tests of uncertainty, finally taking the test that read "pregnant" I just couldn't speak. I walked out of the bathroom and into the den, and just showed him the pregnancy test. Even 3 days later I took another test, because we just weren't convinced it was real.
4. I thought I'd feel super connected to this baby right away, and feel 100% pregnant throughout the entire pregnancy. Yeah no. About 2 weeks ago did I finally start looking pregnant (which was a shocker to me that it took so long). About 4 weeks ago did I finally start feeling movement. For a long time the only sign I was pregnant was that I was tired and nauseous. The ultrasounds felt like watching a video of someone else's kid, because that could not be inside of me! I've had some days where I sit in her soon to be nursery and just think and pray of all the things she'll be when she gets here, and there are other days I'm in complete denial any of this is happening.
5. This pregnancy has oddly not been overly mushy gushy. I am kind of happy that I've been able to be real about this pregnancy. I've not been all heart eyes and baby crazy throughout the pregnancy. Instead, people ask how I feel, I tell them I feel like crap. When people ask am I ready, I tell them I'm freaking out a little. Because to me, I know I'm going to so enjoy this next stage, but right now in this one, the idea of giving up the life I know is daunting. I also feel like not being overly mushy gushy has allowed me to stay connected to my friends who aren't pregnant. I've not sugar coated anything,and they can laugh at me or with me when things get weird or silly. I do have a feeling once that child is here though, I'm going to be the annoying mom posting 100 pictures and gushing over every little accomplishment this child makes. I mean I do that for my dogs.
6. Although, at times I've felt the overwhelming burden of the love for this child. I know this love will increase like 1000x because right now it feels more like just being protective than love, but I have had a couple of near meltdowns if not full meltdowns about the well being of this child. About a week after I found out I was pregnant, I got sick. Like body chills, super high temperature sick. I started sobbing that night because all I could think about was how little this peanut was at the time,and my raised body temperature might hurt it. Since then everything has been pretty smooth sailing, except a few days ago I had no movement from her for like a day and a half. I didn't worry for the first day, but when the movement still didn't come that next morning I began panicking. Thankfully she's started moving again, just in a whole different way--I think she's on the move! 
7. It's strange to me, to think of my parents like I do Stephen and I. As you grow up, you realize your parents are completely different than you once thought they were. They no longer are the super heroes your mind made them to be as a kid (although I beyond cherish them in a new way). You realize they are human and sometimes had to make decisions they didn't really know the answer to--but you just never doubted they had all the answers at the time. You figure their life started when you came into the world, but now realize you were just a happy addition to their already great life. Where I once figured I was the center of their world, I realize I wasn't. I realize this little girl won't be the center of ours, but she'll be a huge part of it. One day, she'll feel the same way about us as I did my parents and as I now feel about my parents.
8. I can't think of this child beyond infancy. I try to imagine sometimes what she'll be like. What kind of quirks and personality traits she will have, but it terrifies me to think of her growing up already. To think of all those life stages we'll have to jump through with her, because I feel like it'll make me more old or more of a parent, but also because if I think about it now I feel like time is already passing by too quickly. I mean I felt like December was forever away, and how fun fall was going to be pregnant--but we're already halfway through October and in 11 weeks she'll be here! Ahh!! 
9. Being pregnant is not really that great, but there are some fun parts. I think I thought I'd love being pregnant. It's not been bad. Once the nausea subsided, I felt human again and the second trimester really did feel like a honeymoon. But I didn't look pregnant still, so I almost didn't feel pregnant at all. Now that I have a belly, I kind of enjoy that part--although going to bed with my husband and being intimate do not feel sexy. I thought I would feel empowered by this life I'm growing, and feel so confident and sexy to him--no. While he does all the right things, says all the right things,and definitely still finds me attractive--I feel like a whale. I do enjoy having people ask about the pregnancy (although the same questions over and over get tiring), and while I'm not disabled, I do find it hilarious how much people bend over backwards to make sure I'm not lifting things, etc. I also have a standard excuse to get out of anything--I'm pregnant. 
10. I am still terrified of giving birth. I've just avoided preparing for giving birth this entire pregnancy. I know soon I'll have to go to some sort of class at the hospital to attempt to be prepared, but the thought of the pain and pushing this child into this world give me the chills. Either way, I know it'll go fast, so there is no need to worry about it too much in the meantime right? 
11. I really hope this child is ready to do life alongside us. I think one of the best pieces of advice I've been given (although obviously yet to put into practice) is to not adjust your life for this child, let your child adjust their life to you. I think in this culture of catering to your child's every whim and desire, as well as trying to be a friend over a parent, parents lives somehow get lost in their child's life. I don't want to look at the end of 18 years and realize I no longer know the man I married. I chose Stephen for life, while this baby will just grace us with her presence for 18 years or so. So I hope she's ready to just live life with us. Going on trips. Working on cars. Investing in others. Serving in ministry. Loving Jesus. 
12. I know one day it'll feel short, but 18 years seems like such a commitment. It still freaks me out to think we made a decision that will not only guarantee 18 years of my life to change, but the rest of it to change. Sometimes I feel proud enough in myself to think that we chose to adopt dogs knowing that we'd have to care for them for like 10-15 years. 
13. Some parts of pregnancy are not pleasant. I have started finding dried crusty stuff on my boobs, I am leaking what I assume is pee, and the stretch marks have started to show up on my belly. It is also really cool, yet very freaky to have these sensations in my stomach that are kicks and pushes. I feel like I just get really excited about twitches--like there's really not a person in there.